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As I mentioned yesterday, Shyanne has a half-brother. He was the first child removed from the home and was removed over a year earlier than Shyanne and her 4 full brothers. Within a few months of Shy and her brothers being removed from the home Parental Rights were terminated for Shy's mother regarding this half-brother.
This half-brother had the same mother as all the rest, but a different father. We are told that his step-father (Shy's biological father) liked to use him as a punching bag. I guess he frequently got in between his step father and his mother to try and protect his mother. I think it would have been nice if his mother had left his step-father to protect him and all of her children, but for some reason, that I can't imagine, she would not and does not leave that man.
Anyway, I have not really mentioned this boy much on this blog as he was taken from the home when Shy was very very young (about 1) and Shy has only a vague memory that there may have been a brother other than the 4 she knows, but no real memory of him in particular. So why do I mention him now.
Well, being the careful and protective father that I am, I have a second persona on Facebook that I have developed. I actually have about 1500 friends on that persona, and I only know 2 of the people I am "friends" with. Shy's biological mother and father. I am not really friends, but because I consider her father to be a dangerous man, I wanted to be able to keep track of them and any comings or goings or anything else that may be mentioned on their Facebook pages. It was important to me to provide that extra bit of protection for Shy.
So I was on this weekend, and I noticed that Shy's biological father had a new friend who had sent him a message. The friend was the half-brother. After checking further, I found that he was NOT friends with his mother. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT! He is friends with the man who beat him up numerous times, but has no contact yet with his mother. The whole thing is baffling to me.
Anyway, that is why I mention it now. I will continue to follow both bio parents on Facebook and check in on them periodically. The half-sibling is now 18 so he can have contact with whomever he wants. I know his mom was hoping he would come back to live with them when he turned 18. At this point, there is no sign of that, but who knows. Stranger things have happened.
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I think it would have been nice if his mother had left his step-father to protect him and all of her children, but for some reason, that I can't imagine, she would not and does not leave that man.
ReplyDeleteOn some levels, it might actually make sense to stay. In my training, I was taught that the time when a domestic violence victim is in greatest danger of being killed is when she's trying to leave. And many women do try to leave, multiple times. Sometimes the ex stalks them or threatens them or does things like that to try to get the woman back. Sometimes there are other, practical things to keep the woman from being able to leave (no family support, no education/skills with which to support herself). But sometimes women really are told, "If you leave I'll hunt you down and kill you." Especially in the most severe cases. So, if she has tried to leave in the past (and has never been successful) or if he threatens this level of violence, it might make sense why a woman might not even try to leave, despite CPS's ultimatum. In an odd way, refusing to leave may have actually been the safest possible choice for her children. The kids were able to safely leave, and their departure might not have been as safe (or as successful) if their mom had tried to leave with them.
I'm not writing all this to lecture you, so much as give you some ideas to think about. Because your daughter is inevitably going to ask at some point, "Why did she choose him over me?" I hope this gives you something to work with as you begin planning out your answers.
I've been thinking about this post and have several responses. One is that it's not unusual for an abuse victim to seek out his abuser either with hopes of resolution or maybe from some sort of almost Stockholm syndrome or something else. A lot of kids who are removed from their families because they were being abused feel guilty for the breakdown of the family and can put emotional pressure on themselves to make some kind of restitution, maybe by trying to convince themselves that it wasn't as bad as they remember. Or maybe he's doing what you're doing, keeping tabs on this guy to make sure he's far away, maybe interacting to feel like he has the power in the relationship. It's hard to know what might be going on in his head, but whether he was adopted or not he's probably having a rough time coming to terms with being an adult and facing his past and what the adults in his past did. I hope he finds his way to peace. I love that you clearly have so much empathy for Shy's siblings.
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