Wednesday, July 29, 2009
DW got up to (S) wanting to get dressed.
DW helped (S) get dressed
DW told (S) to put her pajamas in the hamper.
(S) said " I'll just put them here with Daddy's" as she threw them in the pile on the floor next to my bed.
Now you know why I am in trouble!!!
Monday, July 27, 2009
The drizzle made keeping an eye on her difficult. She was fast. The van looks like it will fall apart at any moment, but she could drive.
I had that little voice in my head calling Daddy and I knew I was doing the right thing. I just picked a bad week to stop drinking.
She only drove about a mile and stopped at a walk-in clinic. I wondered how long she would be here and I sat in the car. I had a place where I could see her car from about 500 feet away. I waited and waited and watched and waited.
While I was there I called my wife on my shoe phone. She was the one who had me on this chase. I called to give her an update.
She seemed disinterested. "What's for dinner?" she asked.
I was confused. I said "I need a drink." "Pizza."
I kept looking. The pile of cigarettes on the ground outside the car was gatting large. I finally saw her come out of the walk in clinic. She walked fast and got into her car and started driving right off. I knew I had to be quick. I was too quick. I got right behind her. I was afraid of being caught so I went into the other lane to let a couple of cars pass so I wasn't right behind her. That was a mistake.
About 4 more lights down the street and I got stopped after she made it through a light. Dam, she had given me the slip, and I'm not talking about a piece of clothing. I though about going through the light, but thought better. I wondered...."why is it the PIs on TV never get stopped at a light?..... I hoped I would be able to find her again, no luck.
I do know she drove to the next town over. They used to live in that town so they may still be there. I drove over to where they used to live. No luck. I knew I had to find her, but I didn't know how.
It seemed as though I was going to have to wait until next week when the visit was with the Fat Man. He doesn't drive. It may be a cab, it may be a friend, it may be the bus. It will make for an interesting trail. Hopefully I will do better. I have to better. They are depending on me.
I called her.
"Your a dork." she said
I said "I thought you wanted pizza for dinner, not pork."
She sighed into the phone. I knew I had said something wrong, but I wasn't sure what.
I got the pizza.
(to be continued)
Friday, July 24, 2009
It was Thursday night. There was a strange smell in the air. Was it my cigarette or was it her perfume. I knew that smell. She was, after all, my wife and we had been together for 34 years.
It was her perfume.
"So what are you going to do?" she asked
I thought for a minute. I didn't know what she was referring to. This was a common problem, but this time it was different."about what?" I responded.
She became indignant not wanting to play games. I couldn't help myself. I loved her and she knew it. I needed a drink.
"What do you think" she said
She was talking about him and her. The two who were supposedly living together and shouldn't be. It was a web of unhealthy family ties and she wanted me to get involved. I was happy to oblige.
"Do you think I should put a tail on her and see if she leads me to the fat man?" I asked
She gave me the look. It was the look I had received many times before. I had to start making plans. She had me and she knew it. I couldn't say no. It was now time for me to go about my business.
"Don't worry" I said. "I will get to the bottom of this". I felt a strange heat on my fingers. "Dam" I said as I flinged my cigarette to the floor. I had forgotten I had it lit. I had a slight burn, but I could handle it
I needed to make my plans. Get batteries for the camera. Fill up the car with gas. Get my cell phone charged. Sure, I knew what to do. I had been on stakeouts before. After all, it was my job. But this time it was different. There was more riding on it than normal. I had to be successful. The future of her and me and the princess were at stake.
Oh, you didn't know about the princess. Well, let me tell you. She was a red head. Had a temper like one too. She had snuck into our lives one day and we couldn't get rid of her. We never thought we would get this involved but we did. She was like a magnet and we were definitely attracted. It was hard to believe she was only 2 when we first met.
I found the car I was looking for. Now it was time to wait. Wait for her to get in that car and take me to the fat man. Hopefully she wouldn't catch on that I was following her.
(to be continued)
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tomorrow is the first visit for (S) with mom in almost 8 months. BOY WILL SHE BE CONFUSED.
She knows that the caseworker is picking her up and she know she is going to visit with her brothers. She has no clue that bio-mom will be there. (S)'s therapist believes that the progress she has made in making her PTSD a thing of the past may well revert back to where it was.
We were making such good progress in toilet training and in sleeping and we are now concerned that we will have difficulties again. Only time will tell. The caseworker is not optimistic, and the therapist is not optimistic. So we are not optimistic either.
On the other hand, the reason for the TPR being denied was that the judge (hereinafter referred to as the magisterial moron) believed that mom and dad were no longer together and that mom should be given a chance on her own. It is too bad we allow such morons to be running our court system. It was clear that she was not alone and now the state has proof that they have been together. Unfortunately they will not have the opportunity to present that to the magesterial moron until the middle of August. On the bright side, that gives them more time to gather more significant evidence.
Unfortunately, they don't know where they are living.
"But I knew I could help them out" he said while puffing on a cigarette and thinking "I could be in Key Largo with a beautiful woman but this case is far too important."
So tomorrow, I may find my way over to where the visit is after it is over and play Sam Spade. That is right. I am going to play the lead in my own "film noir". Too bad I won't have Peter Lorre around to help me out. But I am hoping that bio-mom will lead me to the "Fat Man" (bio-dad)
Who knows, the next post in this blog could be real interesting.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
We have been making some progress on the toilet training although we are not sure it will continue after the visit on Friday. She hasn't had a complete dry day, but she has been pooping pretty regularly in the toilet so we are quite happy. Today at home she had a poop and said "hey, that looks like a banana!" Anyway, we went to a restaurant for dinner tonight and while we were there (S) advised she needed to use the toilet..........4 times........anyway, I felt it necessary to take my turn so off to the Men's room we go.
The room was empty which was good. It was a bathroom that has all the automatic fixtures. wave your hand in front of the faucet and the water comes out. Wave your hand in front of the towel holder and paper towels come out. Get off the toilet seat and the toilet flushes. Now this was not your regular toilet. This was one of those toilets that really makes a loud sucking noise as it flushes.
So I go into one of the booths with (S) and she proceeds to pull down her panties and pull up her dress and get situated on the potty. then she decides she isn't quite comfortable and starts to move around on the seat. That is when the toilet decided to flush! She went flying!!! She turned around with her panties at her ankles almost tripping over them and looking at the toilet with a look on her face that said "What the ^&#!& are you doing?" No, she doesn't know those words. That was just what the look on her face was saying.
Very carefully and with a great deal of trepidation she got back on the toilet. I was concerned that this might set the training back, but she managed to get through it. She finished her business and back to the restaurant we went.
I wish I had a camera to memorialize that look, but I can assure you it will remain forever etched in my mind. So if you ever see me just sitting in a chair and I suddenly just start laughing out loud.....I am remembering that look.
Monday, July 20, 2009
(S)'s case worker called this afternoon. It seems that the judge denied the TPR. The state is filing for an emergency appeal, but in the meantime they have set up a visit with bio-mom this Friday and with bio-dad for next Friday. (S) and her brothers have not seen their bio parents in 8 months. I know that (S)'s therapist will be livid. There is no way that (S) should be visiting with her parents. This will lead to no sleeping again and probably reverse all the progress we have made in toilet training. Sunday she actually pooped in the toilet twice)
We told the case worker that we would not be a party to this nonsense and that they would have to make the travel arrangements. We were not going to take (S) or pick her up. We understand that DHHS has nothing to say about it and they are under a court order, but DW and I are both working on Friday and (S) will be at day care, so if they want there to be a visit, they will have to take care of the travel arrangements.
Apparently the judge feels like the mother and father are apart even though the state has information that it isn't the case. That is the reason for the emergency appeal. From the sounds of what the caseworker said, I don't think their appeal is going to be successful. The Guardian Ad Litem is also against this. I am sure (S)'s therapist will be writing a letter for the appeal, but again, I don't know if it will do any good.
In the meantime, any thought of adoption is obviously to be put on hold. There may not be any child to adopt. All I want is what is best for (S). If the good lord determines that she is better with her biological parents then with an adoptive family, then I can live with that, but if this additional attempt at reunification isn't going to work, then we need to make sure that this visit and future reunification efforts don't really mess things up for (S).
I am very concerned about the impact on (S). I also wonder why the state hasn't done anything to ensure that the visit is preceeded with some kind of therapy so that (S) has some explanation and maybe a little understanding for what is happening.
I know that judge was in the same courtroom that I was. I also know he is retiring in August. He must have already gone senile. There is no way he could have heard that testimony and reached this conclusion. If I go on writing about him, I am bound to use language that I shouldn't, so for now I will sign off. We see the caseworker on Thursday.
I am so disappointed in this system.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I grew up in what was then a small town outside of Boston. All the houses were the same. Ranch houses built on slabs. Built mostly for returning GIs who had Veteran's benefits and could buy a home with no money down. The houses sold for around $16,000. I wasn't even two years old when we moved in and have no memory of living anywhere before this house.
When I was four years old a new family moved in to the next house. There was a boy who was one year older than I was. Besides myself and the new boy, there were two boys that lived right across the street. The four of us did everything together. We played ball together. We had a tree house together. We were in cub scouts together. We were each others best friends and for a while only friends. We were all we needed though. Obviously there are many stories of the four of us growing up that would certainly be good fodder for a blog, but that is not what I had in mind today.
About 2 months ago I got on facebook. (can you see where this is going?). Sure enough I found the boy that lived next door. My best friend. The boy who I played baseball with almost every evening in the good weather. The boy who knew more about me than anyone else in the world. The boy who I knew more about then anyone else in the world. I hadn't seen or talked to him in almost 30 years. It was wonderful getting in touch with him. We were able to write on facebook and talk about old times. He had some pictures from the old neighborhood and it was great looking at those. The only bad part was I found out that one of the boys that lived across the street had suffered a severe stroke of some kind and was in a home and basically a vegetable. The other boy that lived across the street was somehow estranged from the family and had only been back in town from the west coast once. So that left me and the boy from next door. I will refer to him as "D".
Monday night I had dinner with "D". What a wonderful time! I was travelling on a business trip to a town about 20 miles from where he lives. We really aren't all that far apart. Only about 4 hours total. We made plans to get together. We talked about all those old stories. It was amazing finding out what part of the stories we remembered togather and what we remembered separately. We could have talked to each other for days on end.
It was also great to talk about how our lives had gone over the past 30 years since we had last seen each other. What was even better was coming to the realization that we had such a similar outlook on life and had been so many of the same places, that we could have been great friends even if we never lived next door to each other.
You know that last line of Stand By Me........."I never had any friends later on in life like the ones I had when I was twelve, Jesus, does anyone?"
Well, I am happy to say I now have a friend that I also had fifty years ago, and after only one meal (granted it took almost 3 hours)I have a friend like the one I had when I was twelve. After all, he was one I had when I was twelve.
I am so looking forward to spending more time with him. Hoping to play golf together at the end of the month.
Like I said, totally off topic, but I felt the need to write about it.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
I could see Boon Island Light clearly. It was 7:00am and all was quiet. It was the first sun we had seen for a while. I said a quick hello to my Uncle and my cousin's husband (they both have had their ashes spread on those rocks) and got on with my thinking. I guess it is kind of like Blue's Clues and these were my thinking rocks. The only problem was I didn't have any clues as to what the answer to the mystery is.
The first thing that I thought about was a conversation I had with my father about our dilemma the previous day. He said that he knew our decision was a tough one and no matter what we did, he and my mother would stand behind it. They wouldn't think any better or worse no matter what we decided. That brought me to my next thought. What he had said was really just a variation on something that my parents always said to me and that DW and I always said to our children:
"No matter what, you always have family."
Family will stand beside you through thick and thin. In good times and in bad. In happy times and times that are sad.
So who was going to do that for (S). Was it going to be us, or someone else. then I came to my next thought. I only think of things that are supporting the way I am feeling at that particular moment. If I am thinking that adoption is not a good idea, I only come up with reasons we shouldn't adopt. If I am thinking that we should adopt, I only think of reasons why we should. So what was I able to determine from all of this?
I determined that at that particular moment I wanted to adopt (S). I have been feeling that way for a while. I still don't know that it is the right decision, or the best decision, but it is the decision I am thinking I want to make.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, it is not just my decision. DW has a lot to say about this. We have to be together if we are going to adopt. We need both of us to be fully on board. If one is not then the answer has to be no. Of course DW has been talking about names for (S). If we adopt we have the option of changing her name to whatever we would want. I guess that means that she is at least leaning towards adoption too. I guess we are heading that way, but still have not made any commitment.
In the meantime..........still no word from the court or the caseworker............more to follow
Saturday, July 4, 2009
So we have a little girl visiting with us for the weekend. She is the daughter of a friend of our eldest bio-daughter. We call her our surrogate grandchild. (SG). Things were getting pretty overwhelming with the two of them at the restaurant (it was a buffet and probably not a good idea anyway) and we were thinking that maybe adoption wasn't going to be a good idea. We were coming up with all kinds of different reasons and ways to justify that answer.
Then we went to the supermarket. All of us... (DW), (S), (SG) and I all go and are looking for diffrerent things that we might like to take to the beach today for a picnic. (S) and (SG) are running ahead of us when (S) turns to (SG) and says:
"Stop, we have to wait for my family"
How can we possibly split her from her family?
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Tonight we went for a ride to the store and then to get some ice cream. It was me, my DW, and (S). While we are on the way to the store DW told me that this was a day that she was feeling like it would be a mistake to adopt (S). She said she wasn't sure she could handle it and that today being home with (S) all day was really tough. (S) is getting to where she doesn't listen very well and she always wants to do what she wants to do and not what we would like her to do.
In other words, she is getting closer and closer to acting her age. This is what we would expect. It was just being hard on DW today and she was feeling like adoption was not in the cards. Now we have both had days like that and also days where we say something like "of course we are going to adopt her!"
The way it usually works is we feel like we shouldn't adopt because (S) is being a pain and that feeling will last a few days and then she will do something really cute and adorable and remind us that we absolutely love her and she is a part of the family and we feel like of course we are going to adopt her. That goes on for a few days and then it goes back the other way. However tonight was different.
Like I said we are going to the store which is about 20 minutes from the house. The first 15 minutes of the drive were DW telling me how she was feeling that adoption was not a good option. Then, 15 minutes into the ride (S) starts calling both of us from the back seat by our first names. This is what she has called us since she arrived here although lately she has been mixing in a mommy and a daddy once in a while.
So here she is calling to us by name when DW says to her:
"(S) you need to start calling us mommy and daddy, not by our names."
Never have either of us gone from feeling one way to the other in a span of 20 minutes. I don't know what to think about that and I dont think DW does either. I have known for about 5 months that this was going to be difficult if it came to this, but I guess I didn't expect it to be this difficult.
We have another appointment with a counselor on monday and then we will be at the beach Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I am not putting any time limit on myself or DW, but I am certainly hoping that we will be able to reach a final decision next week and then move on with whatever that us.
(S) needs to be able to get on with the rest of her life and we need to get on with the rest of ours. I just don't know if we will be doing it together. So when we tell her to call us mommy and daddy, aren't we committing to keeping that name as a forever family?
I am rambling again. I will call it a night, or maybe Ill call it a day, or maybe I just wont call it anything because after all, What's in a name?