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This post goes all over the place so try to keep up.
Today was a therapist appointment for (S). The therapist has been very observant about what (S) does and says. I guess she should be as that is her job. Anyway, she knows we have to do something about the sleeping. DW and I can't possibly keep this pace up. We need to get our sleep as without it there is a strain on everything.
It also makes it harder to think straight about making a rational decision when it comes to deciding on adoption. The therapist says that if we don't adopt then (S) has the potential to face serious abandonment issues. Doesn't everyone have that potential? She is very clingy and the therapist thinks that is the reason she doesnt want to sleep in her room. She is afraid when she wakes up we won't be there anymore. She isn't afraid of going to sleep.....she is afraid of waking up and finding us gone. After all, her mother and father are gone without any explanation at all.
Obviously we can't explain things to her. She is only 3 1/2 years old. There is no way she can possibly understand no matter how we explain it to her. She doesn't ask any questions, but she doesn't know what questions to ask. She has no idea that her life isn't the same as every other life in the world. She has no reason to believe she is not living a perfectly normal life....if only she knew!
Today she told me that DW and I were her parents because we make sure she is safe and take good care of her. That is what parents do. She still doesn't call us mom and dad though. I don't think she makes the connection between the two. I so wish I could ask her what she thought was going on and she could give me a sensible answer. I constantly wonder what is going through her head.
We had a dog for about 14 years. It was a mutt we got from the shelter. She was not the smartest dog in the world, but she did whatever we asked and followed us wherever we went. She gave us unconditional love. She didn't know anything about us except that we gave her a home and fed her once a day. When she was sick we gave her medicine. The relationship was exactly the same one we have with (S).
Now I don't mean to imply that (S) is a dog. Quite the contrary. She is an absolutely adorable, thoughtful, and precious little girl. But......she does whatever we ask and follows us wherever we want. She gives us unconditional love. She knows nothing about us except that we give her a home and feed her (much more than once a day) and when she is sick we give her medicine.
When our dog passed away in the fall of 2001 she left a hole in our heart and in our family that won't ever be filled again. Even if we get another dog. I know if/when (S) leaves us, she will leave an even bigger hole.
Right now she is sleeping on the couch next to me. She is so peaceful and content.
I hope she sleeps through the night.
I hope she remains happy and content.
I pray we make the right decision.
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I share those same hopes for (S), cloudmaster.
ReplyDeleteAnd, may I add, how lucky the girl is to be taken care of by you. If only for a bit of time.
For what it's worth, I don't think whether or not she calls you Mom and Dad are significant. We've had kids who called us Mom and Dad from the first moment, and an older child who didn't call us Mom and Dad until the day of the adoption, and then she switched and never called us anything else. We just let them call us whatever they want (as long as it's respectful!)
ReplyDeleteI hope you're able to make the decision that's right for (S) and your family. Whatever happens, it's good that (S) has been loved and cared for through her time with you.
ReplyDeleteIf you feel that S would be a blessing in your life and that you will be able to provide her a wonderful home I think that would speak volumes as far as weighing the decision of whether or not to adopt.
ReplyDeleteHave you tried self soothing with S in regards to her waking up at night? No talking or cuddling, just placing her back in her bed when she gets up? I can see how the therapist would make the connection, but regardless of what S's fears are she will needs to learn to sleep through the night.
might I add birth children at this age know & accept the same reality as S. in regards to us "parents". I have older children as you do, ages 27,23 & 20. We adopted our now 3 1/2 yr old son last year. We had him since age 7 months. We loved him like no other child that came thru our home.(then or since) We felt too "old" to adopt him & a million other things, who will take care of him, ect, ect. But a child who is meant to be your own, will be your own. I could no more live without this boy than I could without my first born. He is mine and we are his.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth Pantley's book The No Cry Sleep Solution was a miracle for us. It took a few weeks, but we did get Ella going right to sleep and sleeping through the night most nights. I've used her ideas on every one of our babies as they come and go and I've been able to get them into a good sleep routine before they have left us.
ReplyDeleteWe are somewhat "older" parents with Ella, our oldest birth child will be 30 this summer and our youngest is 19. There are lots of things we love about being "old parents." There are definitely things we won't do with Ella that we did with the first batch, but she has a lot of advantages that her older sibs did not. I have a lot more patience than I did with the older kids. I have more time since I'm not working. I am able to give her issues full attention. I also am able to better see the big picture in terms of what is really important and let lots of the less important stuff go. It is most certianly different this time around. In a good way.
Do you realize that you can contact the hospital where she was born and as her parents you can request her mecical records for her birth and the more "modern" hospitals keep those cute little newborn photos attached to medical records. Call the hospital where she was born ask for medical records & tell them your story. With proper documents there is no reason you can't get those records which insidently have her photo attached. Instant baby picture :)
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