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Tomorrow we are heading up to Maine. It is Amy's birthday on Monday so we are going up for the weekend partially to celebrate her birthday, but also to visit with Kari, and our sons-in-law and most importantly for us, our grandson.
It is also an opportunity for Shy to visit with her sisters. Those are adopted sisters. Our biological children. Shy asked if she could have play dates with her brothers (biological). We sent a message to the adoptive parents we have contact with, but unfortunately, it looks like that won't happen. Shy has not seen her two oldest biological brothers in over a year. She has seen the other two (one a year older and one three years older) a couple of times since we moved to Cape Cod.
One of them lives in Portland, Maine and is unable to get to the area we will be visiting. We do drive through Portland, but we don't want to limit our visit and leave our grandson earlier than we have to, so that is not looking great. The other adoptive parent we have not heard back from. They live very close to where we are visiting, so a little play time and visit with him is certainly doable.
So, this all begs the question. Does Shy really want to have a play date with her "brothers" because she feels the biological connection to them? or is it more likely that she just likes to have play dates and these are a couple of boys that she can have a play date with and are the only ones she knows close to her age up there in Maine? Those are not the only questions.
What about the questions for DW and I. Is this becoming less and less of a priority for us now that all 5 of the children have been adopted. The parents of the two older boys seem to want to have absolutely nothing to do with the three younger ones. Are we heading that way? If so, I am not sure why. Of course we want Shy to be able to visit with her brothers if that is what she wants, but.....Is there something in the back of my mind that is afraid of losing Shy to her biological family when she gets older? The less she sees them now, is that less likely or more likely to happen?
How important is it for a 6 year old to maintain a bond with her biological family? Does it become less important or more important as time moves on? Will not seeing them often make her want to see them more. (You know the old "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing). Will seeing them less make her more likely to forget them? Will that cause a more serious desire to "find" them when she reaches 18? or 21"?
Well, I guess with everything, all kids are different. All DW and I can do is hang on for the ride and see where it takes us. For those of you older folks that remember, this foster care/adoption is definitely an "E-Ticket" ride. (for you younger folks, this does not refer to an airlines "electronic" ticket" )
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Hi! Good questions, all of them. I personally think it's really important to maintain those biological connections whenever possible. You will never "lose" Shy to them. It will actually probably make your relationship stronger when she sees that you value her biological family and where she comes from. Just my 2 cents!
ReplyDeleteWe face similar issues. My children's siblings have various issues and most have been adopted by other families. We have limited contact with some and no contact with others. As the children get more settled in their new families, I wonder how much contact will continue and whether it will become a cyclical thing? Some times it seems like there really isn't that great of a need and others time it does. Will it become greater during the teen years, when identity moves to the forefront? I guess we just have to move through one day at a time and hope the decisions we make are the correct ones.
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