It Was a Good Day

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Today we slept in. (S) and I made pancakes and ate them at the table in the bedroom. Considering the potential for a disaster, there really wasn't much of a mess when we got done. (My DW may disagree with that. )There was a set of small sticky hands from the maple syrup, but luckily it didn't get all over the place After that it was out to run errands. (S) and I dropped DW off at the library and we went to the market to get some things we needed.

I ran into some people who I have known for a long time, but who I don't see on a regular basis. The first was a woman who lived across the street from us where we used to live. We had both moved onto that street around the same time almost 30 years ago. We were not real friends but certainly knew each other well. She asked me if (S) was a grandchild. She knows I have kids that age and that was a normal question to ask.

Then came the debate in my head. Do I tell the truth or do I make something up. I decided that since she has known me so long, I should tell the truth. When I said "No she is our foster daughter" she responded with "Oh, isn't that a nice thing to do." I was pleasantly surprised. I then complained that my own children weren't doing anything about providing grandchildren so there weren't any of those yet. (I am a bit jealous as she has like 3 or 4). She remarked how cute (S) is and that was the end of it. I really wish I could put a picture of her up here so you could all see how adorable she is.

Then I ran into a couple I have known for almost 20 years. Again, these are not real friends, but living in this town and having kids around the same age, we had crossed paths for different things many times. Again the normal question: "Is this a grandchild" I was feeling pretty confident after the previous encounter so again I gave the answer "No, she is our foster daughter." There was a slight delay and then the response. "Oh how nice. That is great. When did you start doing that?" I told them that (S) had been with us for a little over a year. There was then the same short conversation about grandchilren. (Yes I am jealous of them as well). and we moved on.

I felt real good about the responses I got today. These people have known me for a long time and maybe that helped, but this was the first time I got those responses and it made me feel a little better about the whole situation. I guess this goes back to the post a couple of weeks ago about acting more like an advocate not only for the children but for foster parents as well. After today I will feel more comfortable knkowing that not everyone will give me that negative response and the people that know me are really the only ones I care about. If someone who doesn't know me gives me that look and response we have all seen I feel now like I can just chalk it up to the fact that they don't know me.

It was then back to the library to pick up DW and then one more stop before going home for lunch.

All in all, I have to say it was a good day!

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Besides being one of my favorite movies, this seems to apply for today
The Good
Ohio Couple Adopts Eight Siblings Separated in Foster Care. And they already had 7 kids!! You can read the article here:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,479811,00.html
The Bad
Foster parent charged with murder in death of Manitoba infant If you want, you can read the article here:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20090114.wfoster0114/BNStory/National/?page=rss&id=RTGAM.20090114.wfoster0114

The Ugly

This is where I put in my two cents worth. Quite frankly there is so much ugliness in the Foster Care Sytem that I don't know where to begin.

• There is increased drug use that brings more children into the system
• There are never enough homes to house all the foster children
• Group homes are often more like detention halls than homes
• Children age out of the sytem without any support (real or emotional) at 18
• It takes way too long for courts to determine the fate of a foster child
• Child protective workers are overworked and underpaid.
• Foster Parents receive too little support and too many scowls
• States are continually cutting back on services

So why do I bother? That is easy.

(S) Came to us a year ago. She had just turned 2 and was very small. She was behind in her shots and she wasn't very well nourished. The story we got was only bits and pieces about domestic violence, living in the woods and an older brother who the satet had already done a TPR on. Basically, we had to start from scratch. She was not at all verbal and the first day she was with us I took her to the supermarket hoping she would point to those foods that she liked. It was the only thing I could think of because it was obvious she needed to eat. We bought brownies and doughnuts that day. :)

Fast Forward to 13months later (today). (S) is an intelligent little 3 year old. She has filled out a little but could still stand to eat more. She also keeps us going. She loves going places and I can't tell you how many times she has made us laugh. I had forgotten how funny little kids can be without even realizing it. Like when she came into the den the other night wearing a Mexican Hat and yelled "I'm a cowboy, YEEHAW". I don't know where she got that from but it was hysterical. Then there was the time I was having trouble buckling her into her car seat. When I finally got it to buckle she said "There ya go!" Last week we were in A.C. Moore buying some scrapbooking materials and on the way out a man walked into the store who was extremely rotund. (S) looked at him then looked at me and said "That's a big guy!" (I had forgotten they can be embarrasing too.

There were many trips to the beach in the summer both fresh water and the ocean. Last year she didn't like to get wet. We go sledding in the front yard this time of year. Last year she was afraid of the sled. We make only one thing for dinner which she eats (most of the time). Last year it was pizza and chocolate. She tries to read Dr. Suess books to herself. Last year she didn't touch the books. This last year has been nothing but joy when we are with (S) and she is a never-ending beehive of activity all by herself. I would not trade this last 13 months for anything and that, my friends, is why I bother!

Today is a Sad Day

First to get you caught up. (S) and her brothers were within a couple of weeks of starting to move back home. Thursday the social worker calls and says all unsupervised visits are stopping. She really didn't give us much of a story, but it was clear she wan't happy with bio mom and dad.

Tuesday was phone call night to mom and dad. I placed the call and when mom picked up I asked her what was going on. (I wasn't sure I would get the truth and don't know if it is all the truth but I know some is. She told me that dad was put in jail Friday night because of a probation violation. (she said he only had a couple of beers and the social worker had arranged for him to be caught) Dad was still in jail. She insisted that they hadn't done anything wrong and her lawyer was going to get it all straightened out.

This morning I spoke to the social worker. She said that the decision to stop the unsupervised visits was made before and without any knowledge of the jail situation. She also said that dad was arrested for a probation violation, was totally intoxicated and fought with the police so was also arrested on a resisting arrrest charge. He won't get to go before the judge for at least five more days........but that is not the sad news.

The sad news is that the social worker also told us she had filed to start TRP proceedings, they had been approved to start the process by a judge, and the father had been served in jail but the mother wasn't served yet.

Now (S) was so close to going home. She was starting to develop a relationship with bio-mom and while she doesn't know it, her life will be in limbo for at least another year and then if the TRP ultimately goes through it will be longer until her and her 4 brothers find a "forever" family. I also feel real bad for bio-mom. I know she loves this little girl and when she gets this word she will certainly be heartbroken. Before this occurred I thought I would have mixed emotions as (S) has certainly become a part of our family over the last 13 months. I am surprised to find my emotions are not mixed. I can't remember the last time I felt this bad about something. I feel bad for (S). I feel bad for her brothers. I even feel bad for bio mom and dad. Maybe if we continue to foster for an extended period and have multiple children and this happens a lot, I will get used to it.

This being the first time facing this I find it hard to believe I could ever get used to it. Jeez, does anybody ever get used to it?

Deleware Senate Bill 108

There is a bill in the senate in Deleware that has been sitting around for a couple of years and going nowhere.....unfortunately. This bill is designed to help the kids who age out of the foster care system. Right now in most states at the age of 18 and after high school graduation, you are no longer eligible for the foster care system. Last year 102 children in Deleware alone aged out of the foster care sytem. Nationally the number is far more staggering.

According to an article in by Jennifer Price of the news journal and available at delewareonline.com, 10 percent of the youth that aged out of the Deleware system just last year were in prison and 7 percent were homeless.

This has to be unacceptable to us as a society. The most appaling thing about all this is that the reason Senate Bill 108 hasn't been going anywhere is because of the cost. The highest estimate is 2.1 million dollars. How much do these people think the prisoners are costing them?

There has to be some way to help the foster children that age out of the system. Do you remember what it was like when you went out on your own for the first time? Now imagine doing that without a family to call upon for support when your car breaks down, or you get laid off, or you just need a couple of bucks to pay the electric bill. Maybe your car was about to be repossesed and it would have been if it wasn't for that rich uncle who would always take care of you.

These children don't have that kind of support in most cases. If you live in Deleware call your state representative and urge passage of this law. If you live in one of the other states where there are a lot of children aging out of the system at age 18 without any support, it is time we all get to work trying to get some special assistance for these kids........

Now a quick update on (S). I spoke with mom tonight. Dad is in jail for a probation violation. Mom is home alone and is heartsick and doesn't know why she can't see her little girl or her sons. She says that there will be a court hearing and she is hopeful that everything is worked out quickly. More about this tomorrow. American Idol is on and I am hooked.

She Thinks Her Life is Normal

.............

"We are going to go to trial"

Those were the words of the case worker today, but she never explained to us what for. She wanted to confim again that we were in this for the long haul. (we have been with (S) for 13 months already) They are trying to set up "supervised" visits but we don't know when or how that is going to work.

We are not stopping phone calls to mom and dad twice a week but according to the case worker we can just hang up if we don't like what is said. I don't hang up on people, so I am not sure why I would now. Mom and Dad have always been civil to us. I am not sure I would be as civil as they have been.

We remian in the dark about what caused the sudden change and today we found out the family meeting for Friday is off and of course we don't know why. I am going to see if I can find out from Mom tomorrow when we make one of the phone calls, but I won't really know if what I am being told is the truth or not, so I guess asking would be kind of stupid.

Our biggest problem now is that we have a child here who wants to see mommy and doesn't know why she can't. What can we possibly tell a 3 year old that she will understand. Obviously nothing.

When we took our classes to become foster parents, we were taught a lot about how to work within the system and we were told a lot about different problems that kids will have and the reasons that kids ended up in custody. We also got some instruction and did a little role play about dealing with the parents.....we got absolutely no training about what to tell or how to deal with the children. The only reason we are in this is for the kids. I didn't think much about it at the time we were being trained. I thought they were teaching what I needed to know and after all, I had raised three children of my own so I knew how to deal with children.........NOT.......My children never had to face the uncertainty that these kids face every day. Not knowing where they may live tomorrow, and not knowing when they may see their parents or their siblings again.

This would have been good trianing, but maybe I wouldn't have appreciated it at the time because of the fact that I had raised three children and until you are exposed to these kids and what they go through you can't possibly know how to handle it. Obviously you want to keep things age appropriate, but we don't even know what should or shouldn't be told so we don't know what we are keeping age appropriate.

There is no doubt in my mind that the case worker wants to do what is best for (S), but so do we, and I think so do mom and dad. It is just that we all have different ideas about what is best.

(S) is now getting up every night and is up and down throughout the night. She is grasping onto both of us I think because of a fear of losing us as she did her parents. She is a cute girl. She is a very engaging and a blast ot be with. She is always helful. She is always polite. She is a smart girl and in spite of that.......

She thinks her life is normal!
....
....

SNOWFLAKES

Today we caught snowflakes on our tongue!

(S) still keeps asking about when she is going to mommy's house. I think she knows that something is wrong and is not very happy about it. We tried to keep her mind off of it by doing other things with her. I read her "Green Eggs and Ham" for the first time. She liked that.

We also made believe we were making blueberry cake with her kitchen toys. We watched a little TV, but every time she asks for something and we say no, she runs out of the room crying. On a couple of occasions she has started hitting herself.

We hate to see that but we don't want her to think that behavior will result in getting what she wants. We know this is not unusual behavior for a child in her situation but none the less it is very disheartening.

Tomorrow we are hoping we will get some good news for her and she will get to visit with mom. I know she wants to see her, and I know mom wants to see her little girl. There is no doubt in our mind that they love each other and mom and dad are certainly trying. Mom left a mesage on our voice mail saying "they ain't done nothin wrong". I certainly hope that is correct. They are not the most intelligent people in the owrld, but that does not mean they are not capable of being good and loving parents.

In any event......we caught snowflakes on our tongue today and that was special.

WHEN AM I GOING TO MOMMY'S?

That was the question from (S) today. She was supposed to go yesterday and again today. I know she knows that something is up, but she has no idea what. She has been absolutely miserable today. Every time you tell her "no" she runs out of the room crying. As a result we have tried not to say that too much but to offer alternatives that she might like.

So, I went sledding in the front yard again today. I had to shovel out steps so that she could climb up the hill that the plow made. I think I dragged that sled up that hill about 100 times today. Then it was time to make snow angels again.

sidenote: When you are a kid making snow angels you have a snow suit on. When you are an adult and try it with your jeans on they just get wet and make you miserable.

After that we had some lunch..... She loves "sketti"..... which we usually don't have for lunch, but I thought she would like it. She ate it up. Then we played with her new shopping cart. Unfortunately, with everything we did, it didn't help much. She is still not feeling well. She said she doesn't feel well, but she doesn't know what hurts, or why she doesn't feel well.

I hope that whatever the issue is it gets worked out early in the week so that (S) can spend some time with her mom. She has been so clingy tonight as well. She is grabbing either me or my dear wife and just holding on. It would appear that she is afraid of losing us too. I hope there is no longterm affect from all of this, but I am not too optimistic.

She is such a cute and delightful and smart kid. I wish I could make it all better, but unfortunately I can not. At least not today.