I Remain Worried

Foster parents are needed. and there is an article from Cleveland today that shows why. There are way too many children going back to biological parents before they should. This article talks about a number of different cases.

Unfortunately, while it is Departments of Children Services around the country that are lamenting the lack of foster parents available, they are the very ones who don't listen to what foster parents have to say.

The main reason for this article is the murder of a child returned to the biological parent AFTER the foster parents adamently opposed the reunion of this family. They felt the mother was not yet in a position to care for children.

Case Workers: You can't have it both ways!

If you want foster parents, you have to believe in what you are told. In most cases you are overworked and the foster parents have a much better idea of what is happening with the children then you do. I know you don't like to admit this, but admitting you have a problem is the first step to resolving your issues.

So.........(S)s bio-parents are back in town. They have not made any attempt to contact DHHS or their children and apparently don't care to find out how they are doing, but the court still has not decided on the appeal of the TPR. Put that together with the attached article, and you can understand why I will remain worried until I hear that the appeal has been denied. At this point, any other outcome is unacceptable.

http://blog.cleveland.com/metro/2010/02/county_officials_defend_decisi.html

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Stability Please

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So things continued to go the same way for (S). She acted up in school today and for the first time had a wetting accident while there. She wouldn't listen to her teacher on two separate occasions and she is being obstinate. I guess she wouldn't have these problems is the teacher listened to her. :)

The case worker came by today and we mentioned the problems we have been having with (S) since the holidays. We assumed it was because of the age and the excitement and all of the people that were here over the last week. She brought up something we hadn't thought of..............

It was just after Thanskgiving that she was taken from her last home. I said "come on, she was only 2 years old, she couldn't be making that correlation". The case worker insists that could be part of the issue. While (S) may not be able to explain it and may not even know consciously what the problem is, somewhere in her psyche something says that Thanksgiving is not always a sign of good times to come and Happy Holidays, but a sign of loss of something that at the time was very dear to her. Has anyone who has had a foster child for more than a year seen this before? If you have any info you can give it would certainly be appreciated. If on the other hand you are wondering how this plays out, t me know, I will be sure to keep it as a topic over the coming weeks.

I guess this is just a signal of another loss that we hadn't really thought about. This will be her thrid Christmas with us and we try to make it very special for her. I think we succeed at that. I just wish we could start talking more positively about the future and we could convey that in a way that (S) could feel the stability we know she longs for. (Forget the she....we all long for that stability)
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Family

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Two years ago I knew that there would never be another little child calling me daddy. I was hoping there would be new little children calling me Grandpa....or better yet Papa. Well fast forward two years, and I do have a little child calling me Daddy and there are no little children calling me papa. Funny how life works.


The fact that there is no little child calling me Papa is not a big deal or totally unexpected. While I do have three biological children between the ages of 27 and 31, none of them were married until this past June when the youngest got married.

The fact that there is a little child calling me Daddy, on the other hand, is certainly remarkable. Two years ago DW and I had completed our training class to become foster parents. One of the things mentioned in the class was that it can sometimes be confusing for children if they call their foster parents Mommy and Daddy. While it works for some, most people prefer to use something else. There were a lot of other reasons as well that we were given this suggestion by the instructor and quite frankly, I don't remember what they were.

I do remember that when (S) came to us we had her calling us by or first names. We didn't expect her to be here very long. As a matter of fact, I was thinking that by this time there would have been numerous children that had stayed with us temporarily before going back to their homes and living happily ever after with their biological family. I am learning that my view of the foster care system and the families of children involved in the system was really quite naive. I don't like to make generalizations as there are certainly some families where that is the case, but unfortunately those are the ones you don't hear about.

At some point along the way (S) started calling us Mommy and Daddy. At first it was intermittent along with our first names but gradually it has grown to where it is today. She calls us Mommy and Daddy exclusively. She refers to our three biological children as her sisters and brother. She calls my parents her Nanny and Papa etc etc etc. Maybe it was when she satrted calling us that, that we started thinking seriously about adoption. It still is amazing to me that we are not only hoping to adopt a child, but we are expecting to adopt a child.

We want to be her Mommy and Daddy, not just be called that. She considers us to be her family. She is so excited that we have so much family coming to our home for Thanksgiving. There will be 16 of us in all and it will be a great time.

There were a number of things my parents taught us growing up. One thing that was said on many occasions was that "no matter what happens, you always have family". They didn't just say those words either. They have practiced those words throughout.

It is my belief that won't be true for (S) if her family remains the one she was born in to. I can guarantee her that will be the case if the courts see their way clear to terminate the parental rights of her biological family and allow us to adopt her.

It is my hope that the court system and the Judge do not look at this case as the "breaking up of a family" but as a wonderful creation of 3 new, beautiful, and loving families that are interconnected through 5 biological siblings. All 5 of the kids deserve to have the kind of a family that is always there for you.
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TPR Hearing Take 2 Day 1

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Guess what.....Bio mom and dad couldn't be bothered to show up in court for the start of the TPR hearing. As a result, things went pretty quick today.

Now on top of everything else, we have abandonment as an issue. The lawyers for mom and dad did show up.No one knows for sure where etiher of the parents are but rumor is dad is in hiding and wants everyone to believe he is somewhere on the gulf coast. He may or may not be. Rumor is Moms grandmother dies and she was attending her funeral. (In the words of the GAL...."A lot of people have dies in this case") Mom's lawyer asked for a continuance, but the judhge denies that. The state called about 10 witnesses today. Mom's lawyer asked about 12 questions total and Dad's lawyer may have asked 2 or 3 questions.

Mom's lawyer is only planning on calling one witness, and dad's lawyer has no plans to call any witnesses. It seems as though they are convinced that the state will win this case and they are saving their energy for the appeal.....On the other hand, I don't think the state has presented as strong a case as they did the last time, but apparently they have all agreed to have the last case be part of the record of this case....I have no idea what any of this means and I am just hoping as everyone else is that whatever is best for the kids is what happens.

There will be a day 2......It will be tomorrow.......I will report on that tomorrow evening.......I won't have any more of an idea as to what is going on tomorrow then I do today.......I get more and more baffled by our justice system every time I show up in court for these hearings.

We will be keeping our fingers crossed....see you all tomorrow
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The hearing is over

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Yesterday marked the end of the TPR hearing. Now we are just waiting for the judges decision. I am hopeful he will take some time to make this decision as we still have not decided what we are going to do. we do have an appointment with a social worker for Thursday. We are hoping to get more information about adopting out of foster care and all the ramifications of that considering our age so that we can make an informed decision.

It seems as though every day we feel differently about what we want to do. I ran into a man I work with this past week and he has 2 adopted children. He adopted them after his older kids had left the house and the difference in age between he and his two adopted children is about the same as ours. He doesn't seem to have any regrets at all.

That is really our fear. That we will regret what ever decision it is we make. We don't want to find ourselves with a child we regret having. That would be horrible for all of us. On the other hand, we don't want to let her go and feel like we did the wrong thing that way either. I know I am rambling again, but this is all consuming. It is creating so much additional stress in our life when we least need it. (K)s wedding is in less than three weeks and we still have work to do with that as well. We have family coming from all over the country and that alone creates enough stress. I don't know how people deal with it. I am sure once we make our decision we will be content with it, but boy getting there has been more difficult then trying to explain twitter to my 80 year old parents.

Right now DW and (S) are asleep in each others arms on the recliner while I am watching the game and blogging. These are the moments when the answer is simple...of course we will adopt her. She belongs here...........This sucks

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

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(S)'s caseworker came by today for her monthly visit. This was the longest visit we have had in the 18 months that (S) has been here. The conversation was all about adoption. She definitely wants us to adopt (S). Of course the cynical side of me says she wants that as it will be easier for her. The way things work in this state the one case she has now with the 5 children will turn into 5 separate cases after the TPR. The sooner she can get a child adopted the sooner she can eliminate a case from her workload. But as I said, that is the cynical side of me.

She thinks our biggest issue is our age. I think she is right. She says that shouldn't be an issue. I think she is right. She says just because she has younger parents is no guaranteee they will live any longer than we will. I think she is right. She says only we can make the decision for ourselves. I think she is right..

So here is the order of events. June 1st will be the end of the TPR hearing with the last 2 witnesses and closing arguments. After that she expects the judge to rule in favor of a TPR sometime around the middle of June. The bio-parents then have 45 days to file an appeal. If they don't file an appeal then on the 46th day the caseworker will need an answer from us. If we are not going to adopt then she needs to get moving on finding a foster to adopt family for (S). So here it is May 20th and we will need to tell her our decision potentially around August 1st.

One thing is painfully obvious. once we make the decision, whatever it is. If we are going to adopt, it is forever. if we are not going to adopt it is forever.

Come August 1st we may have to give the caseworker an answer. And......It will have to be our final answer.

Mommy, Daddy, Adopt, Not Adopt

So these are the questions and the answers are simple:

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven"


We just have to determine what season it is and what the purpose is. Of course if we could figure that out..........


So do we want to adopt or not?......and should we discourage, encourage, or ignore (S) calling us mommy and daddy?

Will we even have to answer the adoption question or is the court going to allow mom and/or dad to retain parental rights......

Too many questions and no answers.

We have decided that we are going to do what we think will be best for (S) and not think about us. When we got involved in this it was for the kids and we are not going to change that. I know we will be unhappy if/when she leaves, but that shouldn't matter..... I know that being retired and having a young child is not two things you think about doing at the same time but again, we can't let that play a role in our decision making.

There are plenty of "only children" but neither DW nor I were only children and we think it is better to have siblings living in the same home, not strewn all over the palce with no hope of additional members of the family. A mark against adoption.

(S) knows us and probably doesn't remember living anywhere else in her life. If she never leaves here, there will be far less trauma to overcome.....a mark for adoption

We are old and will not be able to do things like be a girl scout troop leader, or coaching little league and that type of thing. A old mom and dad are not able to do those things like a younger mom and dad can......a mark against adoption.

So every day we come up with more and more different reasons why we should or shouldn't adopt (S) if and when the time comes to make a decision. I still like the idea of not making a decision until we have to, but with all that has to go into this decision I guess we have to give it some thought..

Tomorrow is another day in court.
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Too Much Going On

OK,

Yesterday was an appointment with the play therapist. (S) was really looking forward to it. She loves going there to play. Unfortunately, the therapist didn't show up. (S) was very disappointed.
and this was not the first time. I called the case worker and told her I wantged to find someone else as this person was unreliable. She insisted that this is very unusual and that this person is the best for (S). She said she would give her a call. I would have expected a call from the therapist by now, but nothing. I am not real impressed. I guess we will talk more about this on Monday....information on Monday to follow...

Today the GAL came by to see how things are going before the TPR hearing starts on Monday. He said it will ba a cast of thousands..actually I think it is going to be about 60 witnesses and they expect it to last most of next week. We have to be there Monday at 11:00am and then we will find out after that when we have to be back. I am hopeful they can nail down a good time so we don't have to sit there for hours upon hours.....unless they let us in. In that case, I will want to hear what is happening. If the TPR goes through then (S) will be available for adoption eventually.

Tomorrow we have a visit with her brothers at the local Mickey Ds that has a play place. They really enjoy being together and they play so well. They did get to see each other last week at the children's museum too. It is still undetermined what grouping would be adopted together or seperate or whatever...If (S) is alone, we will have to make a decision. We still havent been able to make a firm decision. After a year and a half, we have really grown to love her. It will be so hard to have her leave, but we have to be sure that whatever we do, we do it for her. We can't worry about the impact on our life. She is the important one now. So a busy few days. I have neevr been involved in this kind of a court proceeding so I am not sure what to expect. The GAL said we would just be asked how (S) was doing and there wouldn't be any difficult questions. This of course coming from a man who has been through literally thousands of these.

I hope we do ok. I will try to be better about blogging as the court proceedings move along

Too Old for Foster Care, and Facing the Recession

That is the headline from an article in the New York Times......the link is below

Think about it.......Just turning 19 and no longer able to stay in foster care and facing today's economic times. I can't imagine being in that situation. It has got to be difficult enough during good times. Every time I think about how many times I called my parents for help after I moved out of the house, I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had no one to call. When I think about how often my children call me for advice, assistance, or a few dollars, I can't imagine what it would be like for them without family around to help. I just hope that (S) and all of her brothers are able to get adopted after parental rights are terminated. I worry more about the older boys then I do about (S) because we are aware of a few people that have already shown an interest in adopting her. When you look at that face on the last post, you can't help but know she will be ok. But all of her brothers is another question. As a society, we have to do a better job with our children.


http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/08/nyregion/08foster.html

Saturday Visit

Today the foster parents of all of (S) siblings and us met with the children at the local Mickey Ds. This was the second visit since visits with bio mom and dad came to an abrupt end. The kids had a great time together in the playland and you could tell they really enjoy each others company. Thankfully though there are no tears when the visits are over. The rest of the group will be meeting again while we are away on our trip, but there will be another visit the Saturday after we return. It also happens to be the Saturday before the court hearing on the TPR.

All the boys look good and seem to be happy in their situations. The middle child (F) is with a single dad who has 3 other boys and he just loves it there. The two older boys have some problems, but they have a good place to be as does the youngest boy. We also found out that a daughter of the foster parents of the two older boys would be interested in adopting (S) if the time comes. Apparently she has two boys and is unable to have any more children. I don't know how old her 2 boys are, but it sounds like it might be a reasonable situation for (S).

We went sledding after the visit. I figured that since we are going away Thursday and won't be back until the end of March, it is unlikely that there will be enough snow in the front yard to do any sledding. That meant today and tomorrow are all the days that are left. She loves sledding. I love sledding with her. It really is a lot of fun. Even for a 50 something guy like myself.

Latre on in the day when we were home from out of the blue (S) said that Santa had delivered presents to her moms house. Then she said he also delivered presents to "our" house. DW and I just kind of looked at each other. She considers everything of ours to be hers as well. That is fine with us as we have always told our children what is ours is theirs. We never said that to (S), but we certainly act that way.

So now it is just another day wondering what (S) will think after a TPR and an adoption by someone other than us.

Spoiled? I don't think so.

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(S) has not been feeling very well today. We think she may be teething. She hasn't eaten much today and has just been miserable. Right now she is lying down and watching Noggin. I feel so bad when she gets sick or when she is unhappy. What I don't know is if I treat her the way I should.

You see I really feel bad for her for the situation she finds herself in. What with her bio mom and dad in the process of having their parental rights terminated and not getting to see her brothers very often I feel like I have to be a little more "understanding"

Then I wonder if I am just going to end up spoiling her........what kind of a term is that? We all say it, but really......spoiled?........What a horrible thing to say about a child................

Anyway, I want to treat her just like I treated my own children when they were growing up but I don't. I know the reason I don't is because she has a different life experience then my kids had, or that either I or DW have had. We go out of our way to treat her extra special. I know it really doesn't matter what anyone says as we will continue to treat her special. The only people that really seem to get upset are our 3 bio children who can't believe some of the things we let her do.

"You never let us do that!" is a common phrase heard from all of them lately. So, while I hope we aren't doing anything we shouldn't do, anyone would be hard pressed to convince us to do otherwise. She just needs some extra loving and we are here to give it to her.
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Just heard we are going to get up to 18 inches of snow tonight......I am getting tired of winter.

Extra Security? Adoption?

(S)s caseworker was here today. It was her monthly visit and she filled us in on what is coming. There were two things in particular she talked to us about.

1. Since I was going to court on Monday she wanted me to know that they had asked for extra security at the court because they don't know what bio-dad may be capable of. She also said for the first time in many years she is concerned for her own well-being.

2. She wants us to give serious consideration and have plenty of family discussion about and around us adopting (S) as she believes that TPR will eventually come and they try to start working on that as soon as possible when they know it is a possibility. We have plenty of time so we should get started on our thoughts

As far as the security is concerned, I am glad there will be extra security there but I think bio-dad is a blowhard and as my DW says, a bully. He is not going to do anything to anyone who stands up to him. He just likes to beat people who are weaker than him. I will be there and I will talk with the judge if necessary so that (S) can come on our long road trip in March.

As far as adoption is concerned, that is not what we got into this for. We originally were just going to help out and do respite care for people and take care of kids on occasion. Well as things turned out, (S) came into our life and home in December 2007. We were new to the process and figured she would be with us for a short time and then there might be another child come to live with us a few months later.

I guess we were pretty naive. Now we have this lovely little 3 year old who we absoltely adore and if we don't adopt her, someone will. A 3 year old child is certainly easy to adopt out. Especially a child without any issues. It is looking like she will be up for adoption by herself. She will have less contact with her brothers and then if she is gone from us....the only house she knows living in.......she may develop issues. She is so smart and so cute and we only want the best for her. I don't necessarilly think we are best for her. We had our children who are all grown and out of the house. Our youngest is 26 years old. If we were to adopt (S) we would be 70 when she graduated high school. I don't know if we could keep up with her as a teenager. We were also talking about retirement in a few years. Do we really want to have that responsibility?

There is so much to consider and I am sure I don't even know the half of it. For those of you who have adopted, what is the half we don't know?

Sometimes I Have a Great Idea

The supervisor at the Mystery Mansion called me back today. She says that since they are in the middle of reunification 3 weeks is too long to take (S) out of town. HUH?........... They stopped reunification and filed paperwork to begin TPR proceedings.

Oh, but the supervisor says that until there is actually a TPR order they are officially still in the process of reunification. That reunification has been court ordered and they really don't have a choice.'............. OK so then if I get the judge to say it is ok, then we will be fine?........ She says no. The judge doesn't tell us what to do. HUH?....... Is this supervisor a moron?........ The name Mystery Mansion is sounding more and more appropriate.

Well, there is nothing she can do. Her hands are tied and she is not going to allow us to take (S) out of state for 3 weeks while the reunification process is still underway........... At this point it was obvious she was going to remain obstinate and continuing the conversation was just going to cause me more grief and agravation.

So here was my great idea. I called the GAL (Guardian Ad Litem). Now he came to see (S) the day after she came to our house over 13 months ago. We have had virtually no contact with him and we haven't really needed anything from him. However, I thought that he may be able to help.

When I told him what was going on he couldn't believe that they wouldn't let (S) go. He said that he is the advocate for the children and since the caseworker is on our side and it is the supervisor that says no, he will talk with the supervisor. He said if neccesary he could also talk to the judge. I told him that the supervisor said the judge couldn't tell them what to do........he laughed.........He did not make any promises, but he did sound optimistic that he would be able to help.

We aren't making any reservations yet, but we are feeling a little better.

One item of note: During the conversation he said there was no way if he had anything to say about it that he was going to allow those kids to go back with their parents. It is still astounding to me when they were so close to getting their kids back. I don't think this whole process will ever cease to amaze me.

Trip Plans

We were planning our trip figuring that (S) would be back home with Bio-Mom. Now we are planning our trip with (S) and just hoping that her case worker will allow us to take her all over the place for 3 weeks.

I have to go to Oklahoma for 10 days. We figured to drive and make a road trip out of it. Thought that would be fun. First thing we will have to do is get a Portable DVD player for (S) and maybe a GPS for us.

Our plan is to try and visit places either on the way there or the way back. They are all cities that we have never been to together and that is how we picked them out. It will certainly make the trip a little longer but that is the fun of a road trip. Here they are:

Buffalo, Syracuse, Erie, Cleveland, Indianapolis, Louisville, Nashville, Birmingham, Memphis, Little Rock, St. Louis, Kansas City, and maybe Chicago although that seems out of the way no matter what we do.

We have taken (S) out of state before with permission, but this is a long trip and we are going a lot further. The case worker was not sure since the case is in the middle of beginning the TPR. She was going to ask her supervisor. We would really like to take this trip and we think (S) would have a ball!!

If anyone has any ideas about particular sites to see or things to do in any of those cities that would be good for a 3 1/2 year old we would appreciate it. In the meantime, we will be keeping our fingers crossed and hoping that the case worker allows the trip.

Today is a Sad Day

First to get you caught up. (S) and her brothers were within a couple of weeks of starting to move back home. Thursday the social worker calls and says all unsupervised visits are stopping. She really didn't give us much of a story, but it was clear she wan't happy with bio mom and dad.

Tuesday was phone call night to mom and dad. I placed the call and when mom picked up I asked her what was going on. (I wasn't sure I would get the truth and don't know if it is all the truth but I know some is. She told me that dad was put in jail Friday night because of a probation violation. (she said he only had a couple of beers and the social worker had arranged for him to be caught) Dad was still in jail. She insisted that they hadn't done anything wrong and her lawyer was going to get it all straightened out.

This morning I spoke to the social worker. She said that the decision to stop the unsupervised visits was made before and without any knowledge of the jail situation. She also said that dad was arrested for a probation violation, was totally intoxicated and fought with the police so was also arrested on a resisting arrrest charge. He won't get to go before the judge for at least five more days........but that is not the sad news.

The sad news is that the social worker also told us she had filed to start TRP proceedings, they had been approved to start the process by a judge, and the father had been served in jail but the mother wasn't served yet.

Now (S) was so close to going home. She was starting to develop a relationship with bio-mom and while she doesn't know it, her life will be in limbo for at least another year and then if the TRP ultimately goes through it will be longer until her and her 4 brothers find a "forever" family. I also feel real bad for bio-mom. I know she loves this little girl and when she gets this word she will certainly be heartbroken. Before this occurred I thought I would have mixed emotions as (S) has certainly become a part of our family over the last 13 months. I am surprised to find my emotions are not mixed. I can't remember the last time I felt this bad about something. I feel bad for (S). I feel bad for her brothers. I even feel bad for bio mom and dad. Maybe if we continue to foster for an extended period and have multiple children and this happens a lot, I will get used to it.

This being the first time facing this I find it hard to believe I could ever get used to it. Jeez, does anybody ever get used to it?